


hymn for the missing

by i_was_human



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Junsu (Lost in Translation) & Kang Dongho | D.Min are Brothers, Loneliness, Memory Loss, The Program au, jun is mentioned like twice but i am Doing It Anyways, no beta we die like sungmin, oh god the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27120443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human
Summary: Everyone who’s been through The Program returns as a blank slate. Because their depression is gone—but so are their memories.or:Jaewon and Minsoo are gone, but it's Daehyun and Dongho that really lost.
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kang Dongho | D.Min & Kim Daehyun & Lee Minsoo, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kim Daehyun, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Lee Minsoo, Kang Dongho | D.Min & Kim Daehyun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	hymn for the missing

Sometimes, Jaewon wishes he could remember Before.

Of course, he knows it's better he doesn't - he was a suicide risk, a hollow husk of a person with nothing to live for - but sometimes he wishes anyways.

Most of the time, the thoughts stay at bay - when he's with Nari and Jun and Taehyuk and Minsoo - but when he's alone, then.

Then he thinks.

He knows they all had lives Before - they weren't _happy_ lives, that's why The Program made them _forget_ \- but they were there. He had - he must've had - someone he cared about, right?

There must've been _someone_.

Maybe that's what the bracelets he found stuffed into his mattress were. The three of them - one a well-worn handwoven strip of white, the second a neon-yellow wristband, and the third a small charm hanging off a black cord - they must've come from somewhere.

They must be from Before.

Still, The Program discourages thinking about Before - they could lapse back into depression, they could end up mixed up with the wrong crowd, people could take advantage of them - so he doesn't.

It's just-

he wants to know.

Who put the time into weaving him a bracelet like this?

What kind of person would choose a neon-yellow wristband?

Why is the charm hanging off his bracelet a cat?

It just-

it feels like something he should know, is all.

* * *

Is it sad that Daehyun's glad Dongho's the older of the two of them?

The two of them celebrated his birthday in their place - a place that's been theirs since they were four, a place that was theirs back before their group dwindled to a pair - and the _missing_ shone in Dongho's eyes in tandem with the flickering candles, the two of them sitting across from a pair of cupcakes and trying not to pretend like there should be more.

(there should be more.)

He knows Dongho's worried about him - the days drip by like treacle, and Daehyun still has _so long to go_ before his eighteenth - but he's wrapped up in the _missing_.

Minsoo would be almost eighteen, now. 

Jaewon would be, too.

Dongho's trying - he really, really is - but Daehyun's only glad that they can't force him away, only glad that if anyone else leaves, it'll be him.

(he is very carefully not thinking about the way dongho's expression shatters when he thinks daehyun isn't looking, isn't thinking about the way dongho holds onto him like he'll disappear.)

Minsoo and Jaewon leaving hurt them in different ways, but those wounds still haven't healed.

Not for the first time, Daehyun hates The Program. If someone wants to die, then they should be able to die as themselves, not be forced to live as someone else.

(he hates the fucking questionnaire. it doesn't do anything. anyone who gives even a single shit will just lie.)

Not for the first time, Daehyun wishes he did something. Wishes he was able to do anything other than freeze when the enforcers dragged Jaewon out of class, wishes he was able to do anything other than cry when the two of them met in the closet, his head resting on Dongho's shoulder and the elder's arms wrapped around his waist.

He can't remember the exact curve of Jaewon's smile, can't remember the bright peal of Minsoo's laugh.

(he can't remember dongho's, either.)

They went to see them, once - once at the recreation center. Jaewon was wearing this teal button-up and deep blue pants, and he was chatting with Minsoo, whose hair was more brown than white, and Dongho gripped Daehyun's wrist, right over the handwoven bracelet and beaded cord, and Daehyun tried to pretend like he didn't want to cry.

(he didn't cry. if you survive this long, you learn how not to cry.)

But Minsoo - his hyung who taught him how to ride a bike and swim and snuck out with him in the middle of the night to get energy drinks - and Jaewon - his best friend who he knew as a toddler, his best friend who dyed his hair along with Daehyun so he wouldn't be embarrassed, his best friend who was so kind and sweet to everyone he knew, even the people who didn't deserve it-

the missing _aches_.

Dongho's sitting across from him, his head resting on his knee and gaze fixed on nothing, and Daehyun leans into his side, head resting on his shoulder.

He's just... lonely.

So, so, _achingly lonely_.

* * *

Sometimes, Jaewon sees two boys.

They're rarely in the rec-center, which is the main place he goes, but sometimes, he'll run into them other places.

Like the time he ran into the two of them at the grocery store, the blond one crouched in front of boxed cake mix and the dark-haired one leaning against the shelves, an earbud dangling from one ear.

He didn't say anything - returnees aren't allowed to talk with those who are at risk - but he did watch as the blond one finally raised a box of sprinkled cake mix, his companion cracking a tiny grin as he offered a hand to help him up. 

And they looked-

happy, almost.

"You shouldn't focus on them like that," Minsoo warns, and Jaewon sighs, gaze drifting to the window once more. "Yah, Jaewon-ah, you know I'm right. Interacting with them is _dangerous_."

"They looked happy," Jaewon murmurs, though he can't quite believe it.

There was a tenseness to the blond one's shoulders, a darkness to the dark-haired one's eyes-

if he didn't know better, he'd call it grief.

Logically, it's depression - all the people who haven't gone through The Program are depressed - but somehow, it doesn't feel that way.

It feels like they're _missing someone_.

It's this leap of logic that leads to Jaewon standing outside Minsoo's door at two in the morning, a backpack on his shoulders and bracelets wrapped around his wrist.

"Jaewon?" Minsoo hisses, and Jaewon watches as his best friend pushes open the door, hair messy and two different shoes on his feet. "What are you _doing here_?"

"Follow me," Jaewon whispers, darting forwards to grab Minsoo's hand. "I have a good feeling about this."

"...if you're sure."

* * *

Back before there was _DaehyunJaewonMinsooDongho_ , there was just Daehyun and Jaewon.

Childhood neighbors - their parents were friends.

(daehyun wonders if jaewon remembers that, then promptly puts it out of his mind.)

They met Minsoo when he transferred in during middle school, all gangly limbs and awkward smiles, and they met Dongho through Minsoo - Minsoo dragged Dongho over to their table one day, sat him down, and told them in no uncertain terms that Dongho was "the only nice person in any of his classes".

Minsoo was never subtle about making friends.

In those early days, it was Minsoo and Jaewon that tied them together. Dongho, as shy as ever, never spoke without being asked (and even _then_ , the odds of him giving you a one-word answer were disappointingly high) while Daehyun, used to having one friend, wasn't positive how he should act around Minsoo and Dongho.

Still, they worked it out.

They worked it out, and things were fine, but the enforcers came and dragged Jaewon and Minsoo out of class in the middle of the day, and they-

it's a wound that never heals.

They're sitting in their place once more - a hidden room in the bad part of town - with a few candles strewn about and the air laden with _missing_.

(it bears repeating, not because it's forgettable, but because it's anything _but_.)

The gentle scratch of Dongho's pencil fills the air - his little brother went through the program, didn't he? years ago? - and Daehyun's gaze drifts to his hands, to the chipped and peeling nail polish covering his nails, and he thinks.

"As soon as I can," Dongho murmurs, pencil _scritch-scritch-scritch_ ing against the paper of his sketchbook, "I want to get out of here. Go- go somewhere else."

 _Somewhere they weren't,_ he doesn't say, but Daehyun doesn't need to ask.

Junsu - the better brother of the family. Popular, an artist, an up and coming athlete up until the day the enforcers hauled him out of their house with slit wrists and the pages of his sketchbooks painted in red.

Dongho doesn't talk about it.

Daehyun can't blame him.

He slides over to rest his head on Dongho's shoulder, gaze drifting to the drawing on the paper, and _oh_ , it's Minsoo, his hair pushed back from his face and a bright smile on his lips as he beams at the camera. 

When was the last time he saw Minsoo smile?

"I miss them," Daehyun whispers, the words hanging in the thick June air, and Dongho stares down at him, pain flickering in his dark eyes.

"...I know."

Daehyun slides a bit closer, pulling his knees to his chest and pressing his face into Dongho's shoulder. "...I just wanna see them again, hyung..."

"...I know."

Fingers in his hair, a thumb brushing over his temple.

"Happy birthday, Dae."

Daehyun's fingers brush over the bracelets on Dongho's wrist - the wristband, the friendship bracelet, and the beaded cord - and he finally, finally bursts into tears.

* * *

Jaewon's not sure where they're heading.

They go through the good part of town and into the bad, from the bad into the worse, and Minsoo looks around, one hand coming to clutch Jaewon's as his gaze drifts over the surrounding buildings.

"Where are we _going_ , Jaewon-ah?"

Jaewon catches sight of a particularly bushy bush, and he points to it, unsure of why, exactly, he wants to go there, but positive nonetheless. "There."

"That's a bush," Minsoo deadpans, and Jaewon nods, leaning in to push some branches aside.

And there - a hallway.

"C'mon," he hisses, and Minsoo groans, but follows him nonetheless.

"This is _trespassing_ ," Minsoo grouses as they tip-toe down the hall, his hands clenching and unclenching at his side. "We could get _arrested_."

"Ssh!" Jaewon hisses, and Minsoo scowls, raising a finger.

"Wh-"

" _Ssh_!"

Minsoo does.

A gentle voice floats down the corridor, the distant strums of a guitar filling the silence, and Minsoo shakes his head, taking a step back.

"No. Nope. Nuh-uh. People _live here_ , Jae-yah, we are _not_ -"

Jaewon drags him along regardless.

His steps are nervous at first, slow, uncertain, but with each step, he goes a bit quicker, a bit stronger, until he's sprinting down the halls, Minsoo's hand in his and chest aching with anticipation.

_There'ssomethingherethere'ssomethingimportanthere-_

He skids to a stop at the entrance to a room-

and _oh_.

The two boys sit on the ground, one holding a guitar and the other holding a sketchbook. And oh, oh, oh, Jaewon can see the bracelets on the drawing-one's arm, his jacket rolled up to the elbows, and his head _aches_ at the sight.

"What the fuck?" Minsoo whispers, and the blond one stares at them, tears dripping off his chin and landing on his guitar. "What the _fuck_?"

"Jaewon?" the blond one breathes, staring at him with those achingly wide eyes, and Jaewon-

he recognizes those eyes.

"Dae-yah?"

This doesn't-

this doesn't make sense.

Daehyun moved away when Jaewon was young; there's no way he could be here.

He _shouldn't be here_.

The dark-haired one tightens his grip on his pencil, gaze dropping to the sketchbook, and Minsoo's brow twitches, his grip tightening on the hem of his sweater.

"What are you doing?"

The artist - he's an artist, isn't he? - blinks at him in reply, apparently dumbfounded.

He looks like Jun, Jaewon thinks - same eyes, same nose, same jaw.

"Hyung," Jaewon whispers, gaze drifting to the Jun-lookalike's arm. "I know those bracelets."

Minsoo blinks at him, stunned into silence, and Jaewon pushes up his sleeve, revealing the trio on his forearm. 

Daehyun makes a small, pained sound, hurt flickering in his eyes, and Minsoo stares at him, eyes slowly widening.

"What?"

"Dae," the Jun-lookalike warns, and somehow, Jaewon can't help but associate his voice with dark chocolate. "How did you find this place?"

"I wandered," Jaewon simply replies, and the man arches a brow. "Who... who are you?"

"Dongho," he states, placing his sketchbook on his lap. "Minsoo-yah, if you're going to hit me with a crowbar, please don't."

"How do you know my name?" Minsoo demands, and hurt flickers in Dongho's eyes - just for an instant.

"I'm a stalker," he deadpans, turning his attention back to the page. "I've been secretly following you for months."

"Oh, _ha-ha_."

Jaewon-

Jaewon knows what's happening.

"You knew us Before," he murmurs, gaze drifting between them. "We were friends Before."

Silence falls over the room, broken only by the soft scratching of pencil.

Finally, Daehyun nods, another pair of tears dripping off his chin. "We were best friends."

Jaewon looks at them - at the pain and grief that covers them like a shroud, at the missing space around the center candle - and he doesn't doubt that for an instant.

"Can.." he starts, and _oh_ , this feels like a mistake, but he _knows these boys_ , knows it as certainly as he knows that the sun rises and sets each day. "Can you tell me about it?"

"Jaewon-" Minsoo tries, but Jaewon casts a pleading glance at him.

_This is about you, too._

"...sure," Dongho states, a hint of wariness in his voice. "Where do we start?"

"At the beginning," Jaewon asks, and Daehyun smiles, weak but faintly hoping.

"I guess it started when you moved in..."

**Author's Note:**

> ~~not @ how minsoo is barely in there im sorry minnie~~
> 
> i only read the first program book so like
> 
> this is not faithful to canon
> 
> fic title is the song haha
> 
> [twit](https://twitter.com/i_was_human_) | [lit fic discord!](https://discord.gg/CNunB74)


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